Because You Never Asked

     (This essay was written in the mid 90's. I can't remember for sure, but I think the American spy involved in this fiasco was named Walker. Considering the fear and paranoia that has become the currency of George W.'s popularity, its relevance in America 2005 makes it worth posting here.)

     One of the big stories hitting the newsstands as I write is a scandal involving a CIA agent who allegedly passed information to the Soviets and continued to do so now that they are simply the Russians. The fact that the Russians, who are now deemed our "friends" by those creating such images, have continued to spy, sneak and try to get the drop on us, has angered a significant amount of patriots. A varying array of politicos and cellular phone VIP's have lobbied to keep the "Big Mac" out of Moscow, along with other punitive actions that would limit the introduction of our technology and superior good looks into a nation that continues to do such weasely things. It has been suggested that we should not, at this delicate juncture in the two country's tri-lateral relations, teach the Russians how to throw a curve ball, especially since they learned to shoot jump shots and slap shots much better than we ever wanted them to.

     This initial call for swift castigation soon began to waiver. Everyone knows that nobody trusts their wives anymore, and everyone is spying on everyone else, friend or foe, and that a "cheap and secure supply of oil" is all that matters anyway (see essay "Christians").

     But something had to be done.

     As a result, the President, he of the "stupid economy" (see essay "The Economy"), decided to deport an Armenian janitor working in the Russian embassy, accusing him of selling caviar to White House staff that turned out to be nothing more than fish eggs. He was put on the first plane to Newark and then driven immediately to Jersey City, where he was put out and told never to return to the United States again.

     Judging from the media coverage (how else can we judge?), this seems to have been a very big deal. Even the President, gravely holding sway at a hastily called press conference, considered it "very serious". While watching it on TV, I had an uncontrollable urge to get up and lock my door. Who can you trust these days?

     This is not the first time something like this has happened. Such stories seem to dance across our collective consciousness every four or five years, once again exposing the clever, sinister qualities of our enemies and just how vulnerable our recipes for the perfect barbecue sauce really are. It is alleged that our whole intelligence gathering apparatus has been rendered useless . again! It has raised grave questions as to the efficiency and effectiveness of the CIA . again! How is it that the "Russkies" have gotten over on us . again! What to do?

     Given the fact that the United States is the world's most powerful and prestigious nation, the one who the rest of the clods look to in order to lead humanity on towards whatever disasters might lie ahead, while the old Soviet Union lies fractured and dismantled, seemingly incapable of manufacturing a paper clip without our help, I say we leave the CIA exactly the way it is. We seem to have stumbled upon something here --- the worse spies we have, the better off we get. I recommend Maxwell Smart for the head job at the CIA. As long as some double agent doesn't sell this valuable state secret to the "Russkies", the "Japs", the "Krauts", or the Uzbekistanis (the Uzies?), we will continue to lead the free, kind of free, ball busted and pussy whipped world.

     It must be clear by now that I don't take this affair as seriously as the President does. For a working stiff like myself, who drags his ass out of bed at forgotten hours in an effort to nourish, clothe and put a roof over his aching, over-the-hill body, such subterranean worlds of sleuthery, treachery, and 00 theatrics are about as relevant as galoshes in the Sahara Desert. Am I to believe that continuing screw ups in this shrouded dimension of airports, embassies and unknown capital cities will eventually mean the end of a culture where people in laughably ugly red and blue shirts deliver pizzas at all hours of the night, the first two toppings magnanimously given free of charge? Hey man, spring training is about to start. Don't these spies have something better to do?

     If there is one thing that jumps out at me in examining this matter, it's the alleged perpetrator's motivation for his betrayal. Like almost all Americans who have done something like this, his acts were not ideologically inspired. During the early Cold War era, British intelligence was rocked by the betrayals of some of its most talented and highly placed agents. Unlike their American counterparts, they were motivated by altruistic reasons. They were socialists and believed in the cause. Contrast this to our latest "Benedict Arnold", who, like other American traitors, did it for the money. He and his wife bought a beautiful new home in suburbia. They purchased an elegant Jaguar. They probably wanted a Jaguar all their lives. They started living the "American Dream". What could be more American than that?

     If this guy is considered subversive, then I'm Che Guevara.