Because You Never Asked

     (This essay was written somewhere around 1995. As I put it up on my website ten years later, it is amazing --- and perhaps frightening --- to note that it is more relevant than ever.)

     Being that the United States is a hodge-podge of diverse immigrant-ethnic diversity, it's not surprising that certain groups have taken on almost folkloric identities within their new American personas: the Irish drink; the Italians are greasy gangsters; the Jews slimy businessmen; etc. Of all our ethnic immigrants there is only one group that, unfairly of course, distinguishes itself for being . well . kind of dumb. This identity has given rise to the now famous "Polish Joke".

     In trying to come to the aid of my Polish brethren (I am not Polish but consider all humanity, as well as the other flora and fauna on this planet, as my brethren) I have put forth the following theory as to how this "dumb thing" with "Polacks" got started: there was this Polish guy named Copernicus back in the Middle Ages or the Renaissance or at least long before George Burns, who went around nagging and harping, claiming the Earth was not the center of the universe, but no more than a run-of-the-mill satellite revolving around that shiny thing that showed up every morning and disappeared every night. The honchos of that era, that being the Kings and Emperors and their clerical allies, the ones who passed rose scented wind through their anal back doors, spent the better part of their lives congratulating each other for being, ipso facto, wonderful people with God's divine blessing. They were so good at this self-embellishment that everyone else believed it too. This gave the Kings, Emperors and clerics the right to be wonderful, and everyone else the right to bust their humps growing the food and building the marvelous cathedrals. Eventually, these Kings, Emperors and clerics evolved into the Republican Party.

     Anyway, when this Copernicus guy began spreading the aforementioned scientific data, the future Republicans found themselves sourly disenchanted with such rational blasphemy. Such smart aleck genius upset their own self-serving order of things, that being: God created the universe and put us, the Kings, Emperors and clerics, right at the center of it all, the only game in town. Copernicus was actually questioning the infallibility of this pre-George Burnsian social system. This could not be tolerated. As a result, they held a medieval version of the McCarthy Hearings (or perhaps we could say the McCarthy Hearings were a contemporary version of the Copernicus Inquisition), threw the not too bright, subversive Copernicus in jail, and began the propagation of the . ha, ha . "Polish Joke". Ergo, the Poles got their reputation for stupidity because one of them was smarter than anyone else.

     Go figure.

     This religious-scientific dichotomy, although somewhat tempered (as I put this essay up on my site in 2005, I'm astonished to find that last statement perhaps untrue), still has a pulse today, with both sides hotly competing for adepts in spite of the remarkable things science has given forth with, like silly putty, plastic vomit and Arnold Schwarzenneger. But the devout religious community will have none of that "big bang", evolutionary monkey crap. For them, there are no theories, no debate, no need for data, research or proof. God did it, a few thousand years ago, amen. There is only "faith".

     Although I have no use for this Biblical interpretation of things, at times, my faith in science can be tested as well. Currently buried beneath the OJ-Lady Di scheme of things is a truly significant news flash from the world of science. It seems that two new planets have been discovered, an important discovery made even more so because they are located outside our own solar system. What makes this story even more delectable is that the two new planets revolve around one of the stars in the "Big Dipper". Being that this constellation is to heavenly formations what Coca Cola is to soft drinks, we can all look into the vast infinity of the firmament and know exactly where they are.

     I love it!

     This is the first tangible proof we have that there are other objects revolving around other stars, just like we do. This could be construed as very bad news indeed, because the chances of finding life just like us somewhere else in the cosmos is now infinitely increased. Who's going to pay for all the new prisons we're going to need?

     This discovery has tested my faith in science. I learned of these findings while watching the News Hour on Public Broadcasting, which devoted ten minutes more to this story than anyone else by devoting ten minutes to it. A scientific expert told us they had not really seen the two new planets, but they know they are there because of the pulsations of the star they revolve around. This pulsation effect is something they've learned by watching our own sun, and it is caused by the gravitational pull of its satellites, which causes the sun to move around somewhat in a small amount of stellar space.

     Or something like that.

     Anyway, by applying what we know of our own star's behavior to what can be seen in this Big Dipper star's behavior, we know there are two planets traveling around it. Not only that, the nerd went on to explain what the elemental make up of these planets might be, along with a whole lot of other stuff. By the time he was through, I half expected him to recommend these planets as promising sites for Wal-Mart stores.

     As I sifted my way through all this information, I eventually had to ask if my faith in this material's veracity was based upon anything more believable than the information put forth in the Bible. Is a "Creationist's" view of the world any more far fetched than what this TV scientist just explained to me? Isn't my scientific "faith" just as flimsily supported as their Biblical "faith"?

     Upon further review, although the discovery of the two new planets is open to question, the world of astronomy runs on a track record that certainly makes their theories more credible. No one would dare dispute the earth's rotation around the sun, nor that of the other planets in our solar system. This is as undeniable as the fact that I-95 goes from Miami to Boston. And yet .

     If one not privy to such knowledge were to walk out the front door and see, touch, hear and smell every bit of stimuli there is out there, the understanding of our solar system --- or indeed, just the understanding that our planet revolves around the sun --- would be an almost impossible task. Whether an Aztec, a Chinese, or a Copernicus-Galileo first understood this concept, is not that important. What matters is that it took an almost magical kind of genius eye to see it for the rest of us. With the help of that "genius eye", what once seemed laughably absurd is now routinely acceptable.

     My willingness to accept the discovery of the two new planets is not based on "faith". It is based on data, results, and performance. The fact that I, in my laymen's ignorance, cannot assimilate the data used in the discovery of the invisible new planets is mitigated by what science has already taught me.

     A belief based purely on "faith" and totally lacking in data is an insecure man's way of masking fear. Nothing has ever been accomplished without faith, but it is only a motivational device. Faith without data has historically been a ball and chain that consistently holds us back and causes fatal misunderstandings. There is certainly a spiritual side to civilized living, but we'd all be better off if such feelings were individually administered in each being's personal way. Only databased knowledge should be communally adhered to.

     Relevant Material: "With God on our side." From a song by Bob Dylan.

     " . and no religion too." From a song by John Lennon.