Because You Never Asked

 

     We shall now talk about elephants and donkeys.

     You might be surprised to know that the Reagen-Bush era, which for some of us seemed as long and enlightened as the Middle Ages, only lasted 12 years. It was during this 12 year black head on the buttock of human history that I learned what a true Republican is.

     I say "true" Republican because this person is born as such. Almost immediately upon his emergence to the light he instinctively knows this, just as he knows the gardener is not. He does not have to be told any of this, he is not of the Republican persuasion . this is all somewhat Darwinian, evolutionary, a part of Natural Law. (Those of the feminist persuasion will deride me for my exclusive use of the masculine pronoun "he". I do this because true Republicans don't give a wooden tennis racquet for things like that, not even their women. They'd rather be rich than equal.)

     The Republican Party could not win many elections with only the support of the group just described. That's why they let a few guys like Frank Sinatra go to their cocktail parties and golf clubs in Palm Springs. It's also why they make a big deal about being devout Christians. In this way they get millions of other people to vote Republican, but these people are not to be properly called true Republicans. They are to be properly called "shnooks".

     Now then, what does a true Republican really believe? He believes the government should go off and govern somewhere and leave him and his fortune alone. This means you don't tax his stocks, trust funds or inheritance, and if he happens to work, you never regulate anything because he knows how much to pay everyone, what's safe, who to hire, and how much pollution is OK. Most of all, you never tell him who to let into his country club. He only believes the government exists for a very narrow purpose, that being to provide an army and police force to protect his interests. If we'd just shut up and leave him alone, he'd make lots more money and hire more people. These people could buy more burgers, make more car payments, and have enough left over to go to Disneyland for a week. This is how God intended it to be.

     In other words! The only way our economic system can work is when rich people are making mythical amounts of money so that the rest of us can get a little more. This is something like extortion without rigatoni and greasy hair.

     A Democrat, on the other hand, when he or she decides to get into the cesspool we call politics, does care. They want to help. They believe in truth and justice and the right of all people to eventually own a BMW. They understand that black people are just as smart as white people and that the cruise ship on which they arrived 400 years ago, the one with the lousy accommodations, poor service, and wretched food (at least it was cheap), was a dirty trick to play on anyone.

     So here they go, trying to do something good and lo and behold, holy cow, oy vey! How could they have known what they'd be up against? Everything they try to do only seems to make it worse and the only guy in the ghetto driving a nice car is the entrepreneur running the crack business, and he's driving a lime green Cadillac with white wall tires and not a BMW. The goody two shoes Democrat trying to make a difference now feels like Pee Wee Herman fighting Mike Tyson and the fight for political survival starts to nudge principles out of the way. They are now members of the "Party", the Business Party, just like their Republican opponents. 

     A Democrat's life is more neurotic than a Republican's because defending all the good guy rhetoric while trying to survive is a tough hoop to jump through. Republicans have no such delusions; they are comfortable with their birthright and make no excuses for it. If nobody had ever said, "Hey, enough of this crap!" there'd still be no women voting, no labor unions, no integration, and a whole host of no this or that's. Trying to deal with the Republicans of the world has always been mankind's greatest roadblock in having the weekend off.

     I only see one big difference between Republicans and Democrats: Republicans want to hold office to accumulate or protect wealth, while Democrats do so in order to have more sex.

     Wealth has never meant a great deal to me . I guess I'm a Democrat.