Because You Never Asked

GEORGE W. GIVES A PRESS CONFERENCE 

     One of the foremost requirements of any mouthpiece for the Real World Order is the ability to lie with grace and sincerity. Although it might seem contradictory, such a person could be described as a "sincere liar". In order to illustrate this, let's construct the following hypothetical situation:

     About ten days into Operation Iraqi Freedom, the President is in his room preparing to give a press conference (as you can see, this is very hypothetical). A terrorist has infiltrated the government's inner circle as a domestic servant. While preparing the President a glass of water, he drops a healthy dose of "truth serum" into the clear liquid. Fifteen minutes later George W. stands before the press corp.

     The President points to Tom Brokaw of NBC.

     "Yes Tom?"

     "Mr. President, does it concern you at all that our forces seem to have let Saddam Hussein slip through their hands?"

     "No, not really. It would be nice to catch him and parade him around like some trophy fish from my dad's next marlin tournament, but other than that . no big deal."

     "But isn't he a wicked dictator responsible for the suffering of the Iraqi people and . ?"

     The President cuts in . "Look, Tom, people like Saddam are a dime a dozen. There are lots of Saddams all over the third world. If they cooperate, they are our friends. Do you remember during the campaign when someone asked me where Uzbekistan was?"

     Brokaw pauses, his face scrunched in thought. "Actually, I think you were asked who the President of Uzbekistan was?"

     The President shrugs. "President, Shmesident . at the time I knew more about the mating habits of the Texas aardvark than Uzbekistan." The room fills with laughter. When it subsides, he continues. "Well now I know a lot about the President of Uzbekistan. He's a grease ball dictator who let us use his country to launch the attack on Afghanistan. Ergo, he's a good guy. If he crosses us, he'll be considered the grease ball dictator he is and he'll get the Noriega-Saddam treatment."

     The room is abuzz with incredulous whispering and gesticulations. Stupefied expressions are everywhere. People are hurriedly playing back their tape recorders just to see if they heard what they thought they did. Peter Jennings of ABC news is the first to recover.

     "Mr. President .Mr. President!"

     "Yes Peter."

     "So far, no substantial amounts of weapons of mass destruction have been found. Do you still expect to find some?"

     The President sighs tiredly, puts his hand over his eyes and shakes his head. He talks without even removing his hand. "Weapons of mass destruction." He removes his hand and stares at the crowd. "It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

     "There are none?"

     The President looks directly at Jennings as if he were explaining to a child that there is no Santa Claus. "Look, Peter, Saddam Hussein would have a hard time winning a turf war in East L.A."  

     For a few frozen moments there is stunned silence. The tension then explodes in a chaotic frenzy of shouting, jostling, hand raising, all trying to get the President to respond to them. The room has an anarchic quality reminiscent of the floor of any stock exchange or commodity market.    

     "Mr. President!"

     "Mr. President!"

     The President raises his hand and asks for silence. "Mr. President!" The ambiance slowly returns to normal. Bush continues. "Look, there are probably some weapons of mass destruction, but hey, even the Mayberry Police Department has some ." he pauses, almost tasting his next few words, which he says with sarcastic elegance, "weapons of mass destruction." He looks dreamily out over the gathering, almost blissfully. "I love that phrase. I think Rumsfeld thought of that one."

     Once again, the room is convulsed in that commodity market mayhem. Everyone is disoriented, confused.

     "Mr. President!"

     "Mr. President!"

     This time George W. pounds his fist on the podium and shouts, "Hey!!"

     The mob has been startled into compliance. The President scans the room. Mouths are agape, eyes are wide open, unfocused, as if they've all just seen a ghost. The silence is eerie, tense, almost touchable.

     "Anything else?"

     Dan Rather of CBS blinks his eyes and comes out of it. "Uhh . Mr. President . do you think ." He is still too dumbfounded to continue.

     "Yes Dan .?"

     "Uhm . will we be able to install a democratic regime in Iraq, with freedom and liberty . and ." his voice trails off in confusion.

     The President tries to help, " . and all that stuff?"

    "Yes, and all that stuff."

     Bush throws his head back and bursts out laughing. "Oh yes ." he chuckles a bit more, "nation building. I think Condaleeza thought of that one . or was it Clinton and his gang of fornicators? It has the woman's touch, don't you think? Maybe that tramp Hillary thought of it?"

     There is no response. The mob has now gone into a state of incoherent exhaustion, not unlike a beaten fighter sitting on his stool just after the fight has been stopped. There are empty stares, loosened ties, running make up, a general state of stupefaction and rudderless confusion, as if the end of the empire were near.

     "Anyone else?"

     Rather stares at the ground and mumbles, "But what about democracy?"

     "Democracy? Have you noticed the state of democracy in America? Who got more votes in the last election?" Silence. "And you guys . Tom, Peter, Dan . c'mon, how long have you been watching the likes of me? You're not buying that crap, are you?" The 3 stars of big media news look at each other, confused, trying to make sense of it all. The President continues, "but the stations you work for have cars and sneakers to sell and you get paid well and everyone knows where their bread is buttered." Silence. With mock mirth, Bush does a Hitler-like jig and chants, "the troops, the troops, our glorious troops ."

     Bill O'Reilly, the star of Fox News and perhaps the brightest color in the crayon box, will have no more of it. "Mr. President, please, explain yourself. None of this is in harmony with anything you've said before about this war. If it is not democracy, or Saddam, or weapons of mass destruction, or . whatever, why this war?"

     "C'mon Bill, you work for that fascist Murdoch. You, more than anyone, know what this is all about."

     O'Reilly is stunned. "But ."

     "But what?" The President turns to the main camera in front of him and speaks to the American people, as if this were a speech and not a press conference. "My fellow Americans, I stand before you not to ask your support for this war --- because we're gonna' do it anyway, no matter what you tree huggin' sissies think --- but to make you understand that we have a global economy to run, and if you want that new SUV next year . and I hear they'll be bigger than ever, and you know you want one, not to mention the latest DVD-video doo-hickey your kids nag you for, and the super titanium hit-it-to-the-moon golf club . in short, all the stuff that makes our way of life --- that's right, you heard it! our sacred, Christian-Judeo way of life . and I think it's about time we put the Christian ahead of the Judeo . My fellow Americans, we need that oil! We can't have some goddam towel head turning the faucet on and off for us. You will not be happy until we have this oil. It is my job to make you happy . or at least enough of you to keep my guys in office . and me rich. God Bless America!"

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