Because You Never Asked

GERALD R. FORD: HE'S DEAD

     (1/07. This essay could be read as the second part of a series starting with the essay “Milhouse”, where Gerald Ford was first mentioned.)

     When it comes to presidential anonymity, such names as Taylor, Milliard F., Rutherford B. and Buchanan come to mind (is that a contradiction in terms?). But it might not be fair to compare such pre-electronic history with our wired 20th century leaders. With this in mind, it is comfortable to say that the most anonymous, faceless, forgettable president in the last 100 years was Gerald R. Ford. That is ---

     until he died.

     Now that he is dead, and with the help of our ever vigilant free press, the truth is finally coming out, a reality that was shrouded in secrecy for the nation’s own good. In one of the best kept secrets in the Republic’s history, it has now been revealed that Gerald R. Ford was perhaps the greatest president we ever had. In fact, he could even be described as a martyr.

     With the great advantage of his death, we can now begin to see that the time frame encompassed by Ford’s 2 plus years in office called for a purely distilled form of mediocrity he brought to fruition with something bordering on perfection. Gerald Ford had a keen instinct for the mediocre that made him the perfect man at just the time America needed such qualities the most.

     And we all thought he was just another political hack. Who knew?

     In the wake of the Nixon Watergate scandals, with the country staggering under the weight of the first president in its history forced to resign for criminal activities, the best course of action, with hindsight, was a president who could attract as little attention as possible, someone who could take our minds off the presidency, someone who could disappear into the foliage of the political forest with hardly a trace.

     I mean, hey, we don’t want to know from presidents for awhile. Just go away.

     One has to believe that God truly blessed America with the appearance of Gerald R. Ford to do just that.

     Now that Ford is dead, and the truth of his perfectly disguised brilliance is finally coming out, one has to wonder if the mediocrity he so appropriately gave the nation was just an accidental twist of fate that fortuitously befell us all, or if he shrewdly realized such a lack of talent and creativity was just what the historical context of the moment called for? In other words, and in spite of the fact that he conned us into thinking he was a useless sap, did he instinctively know the mediocrity of a forgettable presidency was necessary in saving the nation, and did he, with all the genius he so naturally hid, purposely create an atmosphere that not only made the office he held invisible, but even loveable once again?

     Now that he is dead, and we are finally finding out that his presidency was perhaps the greatest of all time, I tend to believe the latter, and I offer the following incident to make my point:

     Before describing said incident, it is relevant to note that President Ford was a great athlete, being a fine football player at the University of Michigan, where he played in the Rose Bowl. Not even his deft attempts to hide his talents under a forgettable pall of  averageness, could obliterate his athletic gifts. This well known fact of President Ford’s life ties in with the now to be described, aforementioned incident.

     Before President Ford was dead, when his true greatness was still being denied our access, the only thing I remember from his life was an event that took place during his presidency. His plane had just landed in some European capital in one of those typically dank, drizzly days on the old continent. As is customary in these moments, the main hatch swung open and the president appeared at the top of the stairway. After a momentary smile and greeting, he began his descent and immediately slipped and fell on the first step, bouncing his ass perfectly off each successive step until it found its resting place unceremoniously on the tarmac. Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum --- plop! Absolutely gorgeous.

     Now that he is dead, and we are just beginning to comprehend the magnificent method behind this seemingly incompetent façade of mediocrity, it is easy to see that president Ford staged this memorable moment (and, to his credit, in his marvelous attempt to deflect attention away from a suffering executive branch, it is the only event most of us can remember from his administration). One is led to believe this for 2 reasons: 1) would an athlete of his stature be so clumsy as to end up in such a ridiculous situation, and, 2) could anyone but an athlete of his stature have carried it out with such “panache”, “savoir faire” and “chutzpah”? C’mon, we all know the answers here. President Ford, in his attempts to look like the inoffensive bumpkin the president needed to be after the tortured reign of Richard Nixon, sacrificed his persona and his butt in order to save the nation. I’m sure I speak for all Americans everywhere in expressing our sadly belated gratitude.

     But that was not enough self sacrifice for this, up until now, unappreciated genius and singular American public servant.

     Now that he is dead, and with our diligent watchdogs in the media refreshing our memories so we can all finally appreciate the pivotal role he played in saving our country (God knows, none of us remembered), his heretofore lambasted action in pardoning President Nixon the burglar, is shown to be the critical move that kept this country from falling into civil war. At a time when everyone else in America wanted justice served, he stood alone before the blood thirsty mob at the guillotine and put justice in its proper place, not letting its indiscretions intrude on the men who’ve traditionally wielded power in our great country. Only Gerald Ford understood that the trauma of being so indiscriminately just and fair could bring this country down.

     So what did he do? He took himself down. What a man!

     Who knew?

     I must apologize to the readers at this point, as the tears begin to cloud my vision and break my concentration. My guilt in not attending any of the seemingly innumerable services already held during the Gerald R. Ford Traveling Eulogy Show, is now becoming overwhelming. Now that he is dead, we all know that any praise for this misunderstood man can only fall way short --- but I can’t go on.

     See you in Grand Rapids.

     Relevant Material: In the essay “The News”, I talk about a category of news coverage I dubbed “phony news”, and explained the exaggerated importance the media gives to some events, as well as the excessive quantity of such news items given to the public by Big Media. The death of President Ford and its media coverage was a perfect example of “phony news“. It is used as an almost pure form of propaganda. In this case, the idea is to give mythical status to all of our presidents.  

back to the Table of Contents

Email: JerryG@postcman.info